This photo is the only one I
have of Vatican from a few years back. It is pretty bizarre for a cam
junkie like me. I usually I shoot a couple of hundreds because I want to
remember every moment. But maybe not this particular time…
I remember St. Peter’s Basilica
being enchanting. I've never been to a place where I feel HOLY. The physical
grandeur reminded me of a spiritual greatness engulfing this small,
insignificant me. I felt humbled and privileged to be in His presence. I was
never really the religious type, but at the moment, I felt I somehow connected
with Him. I thought it’s His sign.
You see, those times were a
crossroad in my life. I am just about to start my life in UK, a place where people are comfortable in questioning
theological ideologies and where "heresy" are served on prime time TV
for supper. Is religion a danger to a free society? Do churches believe in
human rights? Are gay marriages immoral? What about the woman's right to
choose? Or a terminally ill person's right to die? Did Jesus really die on the
cross? The plummeting church attendance is the least of the Church’s worries;
it’s the fast decline of belief in religion itself.
But what is more unsettling for
me is the losing battle inside my newly formed family. James is a
baptized-Christian-turned-agnostic and is dissident to stay that way. I wanted to align our values somehow. I thought
that my fiercely Catholic upbringing and almost 16 years of theological tuition
on doctrinal correctness should’ve prepared me for this. Not really. And
courage was not enough. I needed SHEER OBSTINACY to be able to share my faith with
him.
So, there at the Vatican, inside St Peter’s Basilica, I felt a sign. And I
decided I will start anew with my renewed vigour for God and I will work my
hardest to let Him be the keeper of my new family. But first, I wanted to ask
for His help and strength…
I approached the confession
booth. The priest glowered at me for awhile. I was confused. I thought I missed
some religious protocol. So I knelt before him. He then began his inquisition
and menacing look … How did I get there… Did I have to marry someone… Where did
we marry… How long have I known him… Am I working?
After answering him truthfully,
he then haughtily gave me his verdict: I married my husband out of convenience
and that I am living in sin, therefore he could not give me a confession. The
ordeal didn’t take more than 3 minutes, and I thanked him.
I walked away after that, not
even trying to defend myself to the man of god. From then on, I turned my back
not just from Vatican, but from believing…
I took on a personal journey.
Five years since then, I let my belief in religion slowly slip away. I realised I don’t
need to be held hostage by any religion nor any ceremonial pomp or religious ritual to do good or to affirm that I am a good person. Salvation is subjective. You can find it
however you believe it to be, in however way you want to, or NOT (if you don't believe you need one)! I never gave up my faith
though. Only this time, I started to believe in myself, in my ability to
discern right from wrong, to achieve what I want from life, not through anyone
else or any god.
Maybe all these karmic junk will
topple me one day, or I will rot in hell after I die. But in the end, I only
have me to blame for my own choices. And for now, I find peace in that.
 | missfemme wrote on Apr 8, '07, edited on Apr 8, '07 HE WHAT?!!! He told you that?! That pisses me off, Sam! He makes me mad! I would've gone off on him! I can pretty much relate to where you are coming from... I was brought up strictly in a Catholic environment.. schools, church and all.. but my parents were respectful.. sure, people of their time have views on certain things that they may frown upon because they are from a certain generation and yet, they are respectful. A few weeks back, Jason and I decided to hear mass.. I understand that marriage IS a blessing.. but so is DIVORCE! The priest gave this homily where in he was actually saying that people who consider this act or who have gone through divorce are SINNERS.. Well, padre, welcome to the real world! If everything is a sin, then what isn't anymore? I feel spiritually burnt out and yet there are times where in I yearn for that thirst of spirituality. It's the church's 'morals' that really get my goat! Who the hell do they think they are living life so morally?! Abusing kids and what not.. and in that priest's eyes, he speaks as if he is God to CONCLUDE that you married for that reason?! And granting that if one marries for such.. does that person make him or her less of a Christian? Wait a minute, I forgot that the current Pope was a NAZI in his youth! (I bet he still is) But just for show.. he has been 'reformed'. So yeah, we should all bow down to the church... The Catholic church who judges all. I love being Catholic.. but again, it's the Church that I have issues with. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense at this point, Sam.. but what he told you really made me pissed! Some Christian he is! Self righteous prick. Oh and Happy Easter! P.S. I might do an edit when I have calmed down. ( nakaka badtrip tlga!)  |
 | Sam,
Last time, I always thought only my former pastor did that. Whenever I went to my former church, he will approach me and had some small talk with me, and then he will drill down into every aspects of my life; private life, my relationship with parents, with friends, and about my work or study... And he always got what he wants (at least I think he got it), faults or the things to make me feel guilty (and sometimes not worthy) and blah blah blah...
Sometimes, I dragged my feet to church service you know and sometimes I wish I can worship God in invisible mode, that I won't be tracked down by pastor and enter into another round of guilt-treatment....
But, I found another place, where the pastors and other church members don't condemn you but, well, leave you in private with the Al-Mighty Ones. :D
Well, may the peace be with you! |
 | pippo wrote on Apr 8, '07, edited on Apr 8, '07 That priest was an ass. What he said makes my blood boil.
I've been a secular humanist for years and I'm perfectly content with it as a belief system. |
 | I'm sorry of your unfortunate incident. I can not deny that there are probably old priests like the one you encountered who are still living in the middle ages. But one black sheep does not make a church, and after all, priests are also human who err like all of us. Which is why all priests are still answerable to a higher office which leads to Rome and to God in Heaven.
I believe we have to stop being judgemental ang generalizers ourselves. One of the reasons why church attendance has fallen is that many Catholics find more convenient sets of beliefs in other churches that suits their lifestyles. This is their prerogative and they were not persecuted for it. The church did not turn its back on them, they have freely left,right?
Anyway. I didn't reply to start a debate. ha,ha,ha! I just wanted to assure you that there are many other priests that are truly holy and deserving of our respect, may we be Catholic or not. And for this matter, the Catholic Church has gone a long way since Vatican II. It will take a long meaningful journey and an honest study to find that out, if you are still wantng to try, and with the right church community. May the Holy Spirit guide you in your spiritual journey. |
 | I don't go to Church myself for some reasons that i feel like i don't have to...
Religion is a tricky region indeed, personally I don't know what to write when filling up those personal info sheets...especially on "Religion" because i was born a Catholic, fair to say somebody chose my religion for myself...
My own spiritual journey is based on how i understand the people around me, right now I understand the Catholic church not allowing same sex marriage or ordain women priest...until i met a gay couple or a nun who wishes to, and i might empathize with them...
I cried when Pope John Paul II died, not because i wanted to feel "Catholic" but because he's the only Pope I have ever known, just like losing a father you've known all your life.
I wanted to visit the Vatican City one day, not to find my self or enrich my spirituality rather just to see the place and learn its history...same way I wanna go to Israel to visit the weeping wall, Mosque in Malaysia, and Buddhist temple in Thailand.
But if something life changing would happen, then why not...just don't let that bad experience with the priest challenge your beliefs...As you said being raised a catholic for like all your life, only to be put in doubt by one failed confession attempt.
But It's also a good thing now that you have an open mind right now...don't say that you've lost your religion rather you're more relax at the different ideas out there, you're not one of them religious freaks who would go to war just to depend their beliefs because they only open their minds to their own religion and shut it out when it comes to other people's beliefs.
I Don't hate the catholic church as well, coz i also see some faults at other religion...safe to say..i am a man without a religion, but it doesn't mean i have no path to continue my spiritual journey...
Yes I believe in Jesus Christ, I don't care if he sired a child with Mary Magdalene, I know that the bible was edited long before It was first printed...so the answers are obviously not there...
To me, "Living your life without hurting anyone" i guess that pretty sums up what we ought to be...of course not hurting anyone is impossible, but as long as we make an effort to lessen it each day...I guess that beats being a holy man who lives a hypocritical lifestyle.
|
 | Reading the posts now, I think I need to explain further what the priest said, and my interpretation. My problem is I believe he expelled me from his Church within Catholic reasoning. Okay, granting he stereotyped me as one of these mail-to-order Asian brides, and that his bedside manners were terrible, he did establish correctly, in the end, that I have only married James civilly. And this, along with his other ‘agenda’ is the reason why I am living in sin. I am not properly wed in the Church. But what he doesn’t know is that I am fully aware of this. Before leaving Manila, we sought blessing from a minister for our civil union, with the hope we will wed later. Although I wanted a Church wedding, blessing was the nearest I could get. It wasn’t all easy. Family issues (was not in good speaking terms with my family), ceremonial bureaucracy (James was a non-Catholic, therefore we needed to obtain dispensation from a bishop, records from His church, and take pre-marriage classes), and time (we needed to leave P’s ASAP because of job). And the most important thing, I knew if I wed James in the Church, he must make an oath to raise our children in Catholic faith. And I could not live with that. I knew James was not READY for such a commitment. As I said in my blog, I first wanted to align my faith with his values. I could not go through the motions of Catholic wedding without both us really committing to its full meaning. And this takes time. Of course this priest didn’t know all these because he never asked. He stopped his rude questioning as soon as he found a way to banish me. But this is it. This is my issue. I am not allowed to receive sacraments until I am no longer “living in sin”. I am totally excluded by own Church. ***On De Facto Free Unions (like mine)“The pastors and the ecclesial community should take care to become acquainted with such situations and their actual causes, case by case. They should make tactful and respectful contact with the couples concerned, and enlighten them patiently, correct them charitably and show them the witness of Christian family life, in such a way as to smooth the path for them to regularize their situation.” Apostolic Exortation Familiaris Consortio – Pope John Paul II (2004) |
|  I believe we have to stop being judgemental ang generalizers ourselves. One of the reasons why church attendance has fallen is that many Catholics find more convenient sets of beliefs in other churches that suits their lifestyles. This is their prerogative and they were not persecuted for it. The church did not turn its back on them, they have freely left,right?  Thanks, Sam. I really value your input. I don’t see this as a debate where one is writing off the other’s point of view (besides, I don’t see our thinking fiercely divergent). It’s more of a dialogue, isn’t it? I hope I have not offended you with any sweeping generalisations or in any other way.
But I do believe in being judgemental. I suppose this is where my journey took me so far. I built my conviction based from my own experiences and personal standards. This is why for now, I could not see myself fitting within the framework of an organised religion, especially the Catholic one. I believe in my own judgement and ability to realise my values into action based on that and not through what the Church said Christ said.
You are right. It will take a longer study to learn more about God. Where we differ is that I don’t believe in the Catholic Church being the instrument for that anymore. I spent years dissecting the bible, summa theologica, papal documents, etc…, going to Church and being led to believe how tainted a person I am (from birth) and thus needing to be ‘saved’ (from Hell). But the saddest bit is, I never learned how to have a personal relationship with Christ.
And yes, it is from my own genuine free will that I stripped myself from all these layers of dogma and guilt, one by one, thinking I could find Christ through this. The process has been one of the most liberating experiences I have. Unfortunately, in the end, I could no longer reconcile what my conviction has evolved into with what counts as "Catholic Christian".
For exanple, there is a Catholic presupposition that makes me restless. It is the belief in eternal damnation for non-believers or non-baptised. Does this mean my Muslim friends will be go to Hell? Maybe my own ignorance is clouding my mind, but there seems to be a contradiction between Divine justice and the true spirit of inclusion and acceptance.
Of course, I cannot deny your propositions. I have not fully made up my mind. At the least, I thank you for your time putting your thoughts across so I can think about it further. It can only enrich my thinking.
|
| ***On De Facto Free Unions (like mine)
“The pastors and the ecclesial community should take care to become acquainted with such situations and their actual causes, case by case. They should make tactful and respectful contact with the couples concerned, and enlighten them patiently, correct them charitably and show them the witness of Christian family life, in such a way as to smooth the path for them to regularize their situation.” Apostolic Exortation Familiaris Consortio – Pope John Paul II (2004)
Yeah right, they're too busy what....
Calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings, building bigger church, get more members, calculating the tithes and offerings.....
Where is the LOVE man? :D |
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Gold Account
" I like to look good, that makes me a tease. I like to eat, that makes me a pig. I like to get off, that makes me a slut. I like to be treated with respect, that makes me a man-hating dyke. Trust me, I have no problem being labelled a bitch! "
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NUTS.