May contain traces of... NUTS.

As we grow older, friendship perks like emotional proximity, being able to relate with somebody with reassuring ease or always being remembered no matter what doesn't come in Life's monthly pay cheque, rather it's just one fat bonus, if lucky or if you work on it twice as hard as you used to.

Just today, I received an email from one of my very dearest friends. She sent me her warm yuletide wishes while also hinting to the oblivious hags, i.e. her closest friends, that she just got home from Indonesia unscathed from the recent tragedies. I was a bit overwhelmed with her simple note. She could've gotten terribly hurt and I wouldn't even know about it. Of course I can always reason that I couldn't possibly be anxious about something I know nothing about. But then what is my bloody excuse for not even wondering where the hell she is while ignorantly assuming that she is well and out of harm's way?

You see, this friend and I, we are part of a bevy of 7 lasses from high school. We were all witnesses as one by one, we plucked puberty's "firsts" --- first infatuation, first kiss, first date, first love, first heart-break... We went through the schizophrenia of teenage years together. We consoled each other at the first hint that Life isn't all made up of ha ha's and hee hee's. We were all there when we shaped our own dreams, our unique identities, and we clasped each other's hands while we brace ourselves against the strong tides of adult life. 12 years have passed since then and we still enthusiastically claim that we are still solid as ever... well, at least that's the response template whenever any one is asked in school reunions or by old acquaintances who knew us.

In reality, I feel more and more alienated from them, and I can feel that I'm not alone with this sentiment. How we got from then to now, I really do not know. What changed? Has the coarseness of adult life rubbed down our loyalties and belief in lasting relationships? Has the physical distance isolated us? Or has our personalities, our new found ambitions and ideals simply developed so diverted from the rest?

These days, I don't really take it too personally when nobody from that group wonder how I am... We are in this age when sponging off some guilt-sympathy whenever anyone dares not ask about the crummy state I'm in is just sheer effrontery. Besides, that only works for mothers. I know I can't demand that which I do mostly out of whim. I mean, what do I really know about my friends NOW? My friend's plans for her wedding next year? Or another's new found joys of motherhood? Has my other friend finally stumbled upon true love? How did they spend their Christmases? Okay, I confess. I'm a negligent friend. Sue me.

Whether I like it or not, we have reached that stage that although we all still care about each other a great deal, we don't really communicate this very well, even just to say hello. Its harder and harder to maintain friendships, not because of indifference---I think we have already invested too much of ourselves to that relationship that its impossible to turn your back against them easily, but rather, simply put, we are merely getting used to NOT corresponding. I remember before, I cannot survive a week without making long distance phone calls to them ... but admittedly now, I'm more and more complacent with my solitude each passing day.

Sometimes, even something as simple as keeping your friends posted to enliven old ties can be a demanding task, considering each one has their own problems to deal with, neurotic schedules to negotiate, and maybe, the email muse hasn't been around their neighbourhood to get them in the mood to write.

This makes me think... as we all mature and each of our worlds becomes increasingly larger than all of us, the upkeep for friendship also inflates---and it requires more than doubled effort to keep in touch. Not only do we now have to cross bridges between the wide geographies between us, but also traverse into totally different worlds that we cannot easily relate to in a snap of an email or a text message. And because we all have to deal with the monotony of life, we forget, or maybe sometimes we are tempted to forget because in order for one to empathize, to level with a person, ¦we sometimes need to step out from our own organised mess of a life for awhile, and step in their shoes... walk into their own elaborate worlds. which at times can be uncomfortable, especially if the shoe doesn't fit. How can an unattached blue chip investment banker possibly be exhilarated about a homemaker's cake rising successfully, or be taken by another friend's quips about her menopausal harpy smother-in-law? Connecting is not as easy as sharing a table during a lunch break anymore.

People who were once closely knitted to my life, people whose presence I thought I cannot live without, are now farther and "outside" of me and the saddest part is, I learn to ease in the new rhythm of my adult life, as well as they do... without the comfort of each other.