May contain traces of... NUTS.

The weather is so clammy, muggy and wet and I hate it. I feel like I’ve been robbed of some summer as Fall comes all too soon. And it doesn’t help that today, I am officially older. I’ve been in bad mood for the last 26 years now. I hate getting old, much more celebrating it.

I forced myself to pick up outdated newspapers to try to freshen my dampen spirits by reading the more ‘leisurely’ sections that I have been purposely ignoring for the past few days. Besides, I felt I also needed some diversion from all that political innuendo that I have been guilty of lately. But...

Alas! More alarming headlines. DIVORCE ON THE RISE! DIVORCE RATES ON THE 7-YEAR HIGH! UK’s Office of National Statistics deliver their bad news--- divorces in England has risen for the 3rd successive year in 2003, to more than 150,000. And the culprit? Internet love affairs.

How comforting. What does a net-manic, ‘aging‘ housebound wife with a history of chronic chatroom flirtation to do, or feel? After all, I did meet my hubby from the net. Both of us never thought that those innocent political agitprop exchange would somehow end up in romance. And if I didn’t expect it then, how can I ever be too sure that my internet addiction now will not make me stumble upon yet another true love?

Hang on, this is on the assumption that I DO flirt online, which I don’t... anymore. Unless...

Does chatting, hunting down ‘old flames’ and meeting new folks count as flirting? Is it like going in a posh shoe store thinking, "One peep won’t hurt" but somehow ending up impulsively purchasing those damn ‘choos’---your heart thumping violently with panic as you know your budget doesn’t permit it but at the same time incessantly reassuring yourself that you NEED it and you are actually saving money as you bought it at a too-good-to-be true-half-price? If so, am I then putting myself in that same vulnerable situation now? An unsettling thought, especially when I don’t trust ‘Me’.

I call up my friend who’s been there and done that, and here’s what she has to say: "I did what I did because I was very unhappy with my relationship then." Somehow, I found relief in her simple truth.
If she would rather be online than spend time communicating with her partner, then there must’ve been something wrong with the relationship to begin with. Although I never condone infidelity, at some level I understood what she meant. I was once unhappy too... but being single. I found refuge and acceptance in the company of my so-called cyber friends. There was profound meeting of minds and hearts while bypassing the usual physical attraction and intimacy that trigger romances in real life. In cyberia, those fairytale Prince Charmings and Mr Rights are out there within your postcode. A couple of badly spelled lines is much more tolerable than morning breaths plus they don’t leave the toilet seats up. All that fluttery, idyllic bliss from a blossoming romance but within a protective fortress of anonymity, shielding you from any real hurt or rejection.

The only snag is, internet may fuel these happily-ever-after fantasies but it can’t hide reality forever. Your dream-come-true internet boyfriend, 24-year old Italian hunk debonair/ high street banker may just be an unemployed 70- year old paedophile who gets his willies up by downloading porn off the net all day. And if you are a cheating spouse, then you prolly deserve it.

So having said all these, does internet really fuel secret flings that may endanger stable relationships as marriage?? I suppose this is a classic case of mistaking symptoms for causes. Internet per se does not cause relationship breakdowns. We do. We are not forced into web romances at gun point. The degree of intimacy or openness to other people is only up to the point we are willing. Sadly, most people tend to blame everything but themselves when their marriage deteriorate. I know of a woman who created an empire single-handedly with her wit and ambition, but later on, her husband left her for a mistress who can cater to his more 'domestic' needs. She was forced to bring up her children on her own until they all got married themselves. Her daughter, determined not to make the same mistakes as that of her parents, poured all her time and effort being a devout house-wife...only to be dumped too by her own hubby for hi-profile career woman.

So many motivations and ‘excuses’ to cheat. But bunging internet in the blame game is just ridiculous. Afterall, it is just a tool of technology and people will use it any way they want to (consider too all the other genuine relationships that started from this). But I have to admit, it does make it easier to set up illicit trysts AND hide one’s tracks from partner, i.e. deleting records of email exchanges, chat logs... But the point is, once the mouse decideds to play around while the cat is away, there are infinite ways, and not just inside the chatroom. I mean, do we blame the existence of bars just because we hooked up with some hottie there, behind our partners’ backs? Cheating IS betraying a trust of a loved one, and the method of adultery is irrelevant.

But how about those net lovebirds who haven’t even physically ‘pecked’ each other, does that constitute cheating too??? This is what makes internet affairs specially knotty. Its hard to categorize whether it is actually cheating when the relationship is built on emotional bonds and not on sexual intimacy.

Gosh, I just wonder how much I will hurt James if, say, he found out that I’m getting my thrills and emotional needs outside our relationship. Personally, I believe this is even more upsetting than me having a fiery, mindless one-night stand with another man. It raises red flags in the marriage when one of the spouses go elsewhere to have her/his personal needs met, whether sexual or emotional. In my book, this seriously crosses the boundaries of infidelity.

I guess the operative word here is openness with your partner. I always try to let James in on my internet life, the wonderful friends I make, my journals, or even the morons who try to hit on me. That gives him a chance to tell me when something makes him feel uncomfy. After all, the last thing I want is to lower his self-esteem or slap his inadequacies on his face (if any). Honestly, no matter how sappy this may sound, I’d rather lose the whole world wide web than lose everything else I have with James.

So here’s my Rule of Thumb for web chatting/networking: When you know that your partner disapproves or will disapprove of whatever hanky-panky you are up to online and it’s something you have to hide or lie about, then it makes infinite sense to just hit the IGNORE button. Otherwise, keep the computer on, because when you are done, you’ll never know... it'll probably the only friend you have left when all this is over.